Thursday, December 9, 2010

Sometimes I dream about him...

It been almost a year since I last talked to my dad. He was preparing to have heart surgery; a valve replacement. His heart valve had been damaged by the kidney dialysis. His kidneys were damaged by the chemotherapy. He needed chemotherapy because of the lymphoma caused by the interferon treatment. He was given interferon to treat the Hepatitis C that he contracted from a military vaccine protocol during the Vietnam War.

He had to wait because they had built a new hospital and were in the middle of moving everything to the new hospital. He was going to be the first heart surgery at the new hospital. It was going to be reported on the news. It was scheduled for Friday.

He called to get my social security number. He was filling out his beneficiary paperwork in case something happened to him. He told me that we should put an addition on our house because that would be the easiest way to deal with our sudden lack of space. He told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too. We said, "Goodbye."

I never spoke to him again. My sister called on Monday to tell me that he had passed away at home in his comfy chair.

I have thought of him many times during the past year. I have often thought of something I wanted to ask him; something about my childhood, our my parent's marriage, or his childhood, and then I realize that I can't just call him for the answer. And that now I'll never know the answer (this side of heaven anyways).

Sometimes I have dreams about him. Usually he's healthy and we're together visiting or traveling or something. But tonight, I dreamed he was very ill. We were all together at some kind of church service. He was in his comfy chair. My sister and I were with him and he told me to find my brother. He wanted us all together to say his "goodbyes." My brother was in the basement playing video games with my boys. My three little girls were sleeping.

And then Amanda was awake and so was I. I never got a chance to say "goodbye." So, here I am thinking about him. One year later.

6 comments:

e&e said...

hugs and tears...
elisa

Charlene said...

my hubands death was also caused by complications from treatments for cancer... losing our parents is very hard...losing the love of my life this year seems impossible for me to recover from..I've loved him since I was 16...59 years...
I enjoy reading your blog and I admire you very much for giving so much of yourself to others.
Blessings,
Charlene

jodilee0123 said...

I think I needed a post like this today. . . to remember and appreciate every moment I have with my family. Even if Jada did just dump and destroy the bookshelf and an added bonus. . .took off her diaper after pooping letting it get all over the books.

God's timing. I will keep you in my prayers. . .

Nancy said...

Thinking of you!

Davene said...

I read this last night and tried to comment, but the computer I was using suddenly stopped letting the "g" and "h" letters work. It's hard to say much without those letters!

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I'm grateful that you shared this; you write sensitively and beautifully. I'm sorry that you lost him so suddenly and didn't get closure; I know that makes it especially hard. Thank God for the promise of heaven and the joyful reunion awaiting us there!

Nicole Marie said...

Love and (((hugs))). :(